How to Ask For the Flex You Need
Hello working moms and dads –
As we move into the New Normal, there’s one question that’s top-of-mind for virtually all of us: How do I ask for – and negotiate – the workplace flexibility I need? And let’s face it: thinking about how to talk with your manager or with HR is stressful! Whatever your work situation and “flex ask”, let’s take that stress down right now by giving you an effective script.
If you’re planning to use self-directed or informal flexibility, or seeking small-scale flex (like leaving early each Wednesday to do daycare pickup), approach this as a no-big-deal, FYI-type conversation with your manager. Say: “My plan is to duck out for pediatrician’s appointments, one-day-a-week early pickup, and other kid-related reasons where needed. I’ll keep the team posted, always be reachable—but my hunch is that no one, including you, will notice.” If you’ve established yourself as diligent and reliable, your manager is unlikely to push back.
If you work in an environment that’s less flex-friendly, or if you’re making a bigger ask (like working remote four days instead of two), you’re going to need to go into Sell Mode. As you enter those conversations with your manager or with HR, you can ensure the best possible outcome by emphasizing that:
You plan to use the arrangement responsibly.
There will be minimal if any impact on the team and business.
Your proposal creates benefits for your boss and organization, not just for you.
The details are incidental—and on your shoulders.
Using phrases like:
“It’s on me to ensure that my work gets done and in a timely way.”
“Yes, there would be a change in my start-and-stop times, and where I work—but not in project ownership or in our team’s overall staffing.”
“This kind of flexibility will let me continue contributing my best, and let you keep a trained, experienced resource long-term.”
“Of course, to make this work, I’ll need to make smart use of technology, but I already have a good handle on that.”
If you sense your boss’s discomfort, or start to get pushback, remind him or her that:
You understand that this is an only-if-it-really-works situation: “We could try this for two months, and if it doesn’t work, either of us could pull the plug.”
There appears to be clear precedent: “It does feel like a big leap, yes—but several of our [colleagues in Department X, at competitor organizations, etc.] have started using this approach, and it worked during the pandemic, so it is possible, even within our field.”
You’re in no rush: “I know it’s a lot to process, and I’m not pushing for an answer today. Please take time to think it through, and then we can regroup.”
Throughout the conversation—and as hard as it may be to do so:
Avoid getting emotional, dramatic or shrill.
Stay away from hostage-taking; do this for me or I quit is an option you should use only once, only at the tail end of an otherwise failed negotiation, and only if you’re prepared to follow through (e.g., because you have another job offer).
Stay in a respectful, friendly, collaborative frame—it’s just likely to be more effective.
If you don’t get what you want, or find yourself getting hot under the collar at any point, remember: you’re an employee—not an indentured servant. There are plenty of other options out there, and while your boss and your organization are free to make their choices, you’re free to make your own.
Have another pressing working-parent question? Shoot me an email at hello@workparent.com. And for hundreds more tools and strategies for combining career and kids, pick up a copy of my book Workparent: The Complete Guide to Succeeding on the Job, Staying True to Yourself, and Raising Happy Kids.